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Here's What Sex Therapists Tell Women Who Have Trouble Orgasming


Here's What Sex Therapists Tell Women Who Have Trouble Orgasming

It's time to get cliterate y'all.

Here's What Sex Therapists Tell Women Who Have Trouble Orgasming

Sex therapists frequently get lots questions from frustrated female patients who seriously struggle to have an orgasm.

Of course there is much more to good sex than just the climax but that sweet sweet release makes it that much better.

For many women orgasming during masturbation isn’t an issue problems only arise when it comes to sex with a partner. And if you fall into that category you are surely not alone.

A 2015 Cosmopolitan survey of 2,300 women ages 18 to 40 found that only 57% of women have an orgasm most or every time they have sex with a partner. Then there is a smaller subset of women roughly 5 to 10% according to Elisabeth A. Lloyd’s The Case of the Female Orgasm who have never had an orgasm at all solo or otherwise.

But ladies we assure you things are not quite as hopeless as they seem. We reached out to 3 sex therapists and gathered their expert tips suggestions and other kernels of wisdom that will have you on your way to the Big O.

First why some women can’t climax during sex with a partner.

The reasons can be physical mental or emotional in nature according to sex therapist Ian Kerner.

“It could be probably a lack of foreplay a focus on intercourse without requisite levels of clitoral stimulation a lack of psychogenic or physiological arousal or a relationship issues such as lack of attraction poor communication or anger,” Kerner the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, Said.

It’s important also to look at psychological factors for example anxiety, depression, a history of trauma or body image issues, all of which can interfere with a woman’s ability to climax.

Some women can’t orgasm from masturbation, either.

Again sex experts say there are a number of probable contributing factors at work here. Some women simply may not know what kind of stimulation physical and otherwise they require to reach an orgasm according to sex therapist Celeste Hirschman.

“They might try to masturbate but don’t know how so they get bored and give up,” said Hirschman, who co-authored the book Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion with her business partner Danielle Harel. “We let women know that they may need to move their pelvis clench the muscles in their vagina or tighten the muscles in their legs in order to achieve orgasm.”

“You might also need to fantasize read erotica or watch porn,” Hirschman continued. “This not only helps you get turned on it also gets your head out of performance anxiety.”

If all that doesn’t work? Difficulty reaching orgasm could be related to medication side effects gynecological issues or an erotic conflict around what arouses you in other words a taboo element of your sexual identity.

So what do sex therapists recommend to patients who struggle with these very things? Below, seven expert-backed tips.

Here's What Sex Therapists Tell Women Who Have Trouble Orgasming

Get cliterate.

The 2015 Cosmo survey found that 38% of women who didn’t orgasm with a partner said it was due to a lack of clitoral stimulation.

“When it comes to the female orgasm both men and women need to understand that the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and that most intercourse positions don't provide persistent consistent clitoral stimulation necessary to produce orgasm,” Kerner explained. “Shift the focus from intercourse to outercourse.”

Consider using a sex toy such as a vibrator your hand or your partner’s hand to stimulate the clitoris during foreplay intercourse or other non penetrative sexual activities.

The beauty is in the buildup.

“We wish people understood that women’s arousal generally comes from a slow buildup that incorporates mental turn ons plus all over body stimulation,” Hirschman said. “Touching the clit too soon can actually lower a woman’s arousal making it harder for her to orgasm. Teasing and building up sexual tension makes a woman’s orgasm more likely and more intense.”

Consider talking to a sex therapist to educate yourself with your partner if you have one or on your own.

Sex therapist Sari Cooper said she asks patients who have trouble orgasming for a thorough history to learn the extent of their sexual education and experience as well.

“We want to identify what parts of sexuality are pleasurable for them and focus on these within their relationship or during self pleasuring,” Cooper host of the web show “Sex Esteem,” said. “And also learn exercises to calm the mind if their mind races with worry negative self talk or body shame can interfere with erotic and sexual arousal.”

She recommends patients also to watch educational self pleasuring videos to learn a variety of techniques and find what works for them.

It might take some practice and that’s OK.

“Learning how to orgasm is like learning how to play an instrument the choreography to a dance or figuring out a yoga position,” Cooper said. “It takes patience practice focused slow breathing and keeping any perfectionistic thoughts aside. After all it’s not about the destination but the journey ladies which will allow for your own pleasure to emerge.”

Don’t underestimate the importance of psychological arousal.

“Often when a person is unable to orgasm, it’s because there is some sort of inhibitor getting in the way: feeling anxious feeling hopeless thinking too much about whether or not it’s going to happen,” Kerner said. “Psychological stimulation like fantasy increases arousal while also distracting from the inhibitors. Too often people are relying on physiological arousal to reach orgasm and not paying enough attention to psychological arousal.”

Remember: The orgasm is for your pleasure not your partner’s ego.

“If the pressure to orgasm is because of your partner’s feelings of inadequacy their frustration or worse their anger the work in therapy will also need to focus on the couple’s relationship.” Cooper said.

Let go of expectations and just do your thang.

“It’s important to let go of what you think an orgasm should feel like or look like and how long it should take,” Cooper said. “Too many films show women screaming ecstatically when vaginally penetrated without any clitoral stimulation at all. If you are caught up in these thoughts your body and mind are not joined nor are they relaxed. These are the ingredients to what I have termed "sex esteem" the confidence to learn more about your sensual self.”

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