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Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
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